I’m so sorry Ammamme

Finally, she has been laid to rest. My grandmother. I call her Ammamma.

My Ammamma was just the kind of grandma you find in stories and films. Her name was Savithri and she was a retired school teacher. Ammamma had the most flawless and glowing skin I have ever seen. The secret? She used no harsh soaps, only besan and other natural extracts on her skin.

She was a storehouse of knowledge. And the tales she used to entertain us with – truly enchanting and mesmerizing. She also knew at least a thousand stories from the epics. Her day began around 4 am and she used to work non-stop even after we were all sound asleep. As soon as she received news that we grandchildren would be coming down for the holidays, she would fill her storeroom with jars and jars of pickled mangoes and gooseberries. Then there were tons of crunchy snacks that we loved to munch on. Her masterpiece was a delicacy called ‘Orappam’ – a sweet and soft cake-like dish that was baked overnight and would be ready for use as breakfast the next day.

Plants were her other great passion. She had dozens of potted rose plants that she tended to with great care. Then there were the fruit trees – chickoo, mangoes, jackfruits, cherry and what not. But with advancing age and failing health, all her plants withered just like her and the place looked almost bare the last time I visited her.

I can’t believe I was this close to her – just outside her gate – while she was counting her last days and yet I didn’t have the strength to simply go in and see her one last time. Ever since Jayasree aunty told me about her deteriorating condition, I wanted to see Ammamma. I knew it was not going to be easy since she was with my parents. Yet I kept repeating my wish to Manu. And Manu, being the highly impulsive type he is, told me we were going for a short drive last Sunday evening. And he drove straight down to Thiruvananthapuram and stopped the car right in front of C S Nivas. 

It was past 10pm and the whole world seemed asleep. The eerie blue lights near the gates were glowing faintly in the dark. And my mind was numb and tumultuous at the same time. I wanted to rush in and take one last look and her. But something kept pulling me back. I simply remained stuck to the seat. After a while, Manu drove on. The next day, we visited Kavya and spent the evening at the Santhigiri fest. We drove back home the following day.

And today when I knew that Ammamma has passed away, I feel haunted by the thought that I did not seize the chance to see her when God gave me a chance. I know it’s no use thinking about it now, but…

On fireflies, bats and more …

He said: The lights of Las Vegas – incomparable! Stunning! I could gaze at it all night!

I asked: When was the last time you saw a firefly?

He: What?!

Me: You know, fireflies. When was the last time you saw one?

He: What does that have to do with the lights in Las Vegas?

Me: It just came to my mind when you said ‘night’ and ‘lights’.

He: Oh, I see. So what’s so much about a silly firefly?

Me: I see these fireflies every night. Midnight to be more accurate. To see them, you have to wait for all the lights in the neighborhood to go off.

He: You wait for them?

Me:  Not really.  As I switch off the lights in my bedroom at night, a firefly arrives and settles at the outside of the window, glowing faintly in the pitch dark. And if I have left a window slightly open to let in some air, the firefly finds its way in.

He: It comes in? And then?

Me: Its blinking light shows me its path in the dark. Soon it settles on the ceiling and continues blinking. I lie down gazing up at it.

He: Hmm…

Me: At that moment, in pitch darkness and complete silence, it seems like it’s just me and that glowing creature still awake while the rest of the world sleeps. We seem to be connected in some mysterious way.

He: God! Why am I even listening to all this?

Me: (Ignoring his comment and continuing) A few minutes pass and more fireflies arrive. A few of them join the first firefly on the ceiling while the others dance around the room, treating me to a light display. An enchanting light display created, choreographed and performed by Nature!

Every performance is unique with different moves and formations.  No action replay of the light dance. If you miss today’s performance, that’s it. Tomorrow it will be something different.

He: This is crazy!

Me: There’s more to it. After some time, the fireflies begin to leave. They crowd around the opening in the window for a second before vanishing into the darkness. Only the first firefly still remains on the ceiling, his faint light going on, off, on, off,…I continue gazing at it until I drift off to sleep. It is the last thing I see every night.

He: Just a minute. All you wanna say is you see some fireflies every night. Right? Why this long speech then?

Me: I believe everything in nature is interconnected in some way. We are related not just to the apes but to everything else – to the plants, trees, birds, flies, animals, reptiles...everything living. I don’t know why, but I believe that firefly is my guardian angel who drops in every night to make sure I am ok and then waits until I’m deep in sleep before slipping off.

He: Your guardian angel is a firefly? Ridiculous!

Me (again ignoring his comment): Like the song goes, “I believe in angels, something good in everything I see…”

He: (joining me) “…I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me. I’ll cross the stream, I have a dream…I have a dream, a fantasy, To help me through reality…”  Hey, feels good to sing that after so many years.

Me: I know. The right song at the right place can work wonders.

He: hmm…I love these songs but I’m not much of a nature lover. The sight of a kitten at play may seem enchanting for you, but I don’t give it a second glance.

Me: Good thing you mentioned that. I was just about to tell you about the bats.

He: What bats?

Me: The two brown bats I used to see.

He: Those bats were your guardian angels as well?

Me: No. I believe those bats were people in their last life. People who knew me and people who are long dead.

He: Strange. Why do you say that?

Me: Well, these bats first appeared around the time I had delivered my first son. The two bats would fly in through the ventilation and flutter above my baby for a few seconds before flying off. This continued until my son was about a year old.

Three years on, after I had delivered my second baby, the bats reappeared. The ritual was the same – enter through the ventilation, fly in circles above the baby and then disappear. This time too it continued until the baby was about 10 months old. I have never seen the bats after that.

He (giggling): Must have gone to visit someone else’s baby.

Me: You think the whole thing is a joke?

He (trying hard to suppress laughter): No. I’m serious. Maybe the two bats have no kids of their own. And they make up for their loss by visiting human babies.

Me: You’ve got it all wrong. The bats are people from the past visiting their next generation.

He: Seriously, have you gone nuts? People from the past in the form of bats? Where do you get such ridiculous ideas from?

Me: May be it’s the nature lover in me conjuring up reasons to love even detested creatures like bats.

He: Thank God I’m not a nature lover.

Me: You will learn to appreciate nature sooner or later. Someday you’ll love the rejuvenating rains, the crunch of dry leaves under your feet, the song of a cuckoo, the cool taste of tender coconut water, the strong west wind blowing through your hair, the waves of the sea washing your feet…someday you’ll be overwhelmed by the awesome presence and power of nature…someday…my friend….someday…

He (silent)

But I can clearly hear the sound of rain beginning to fall on his window and with a spreading smile on my face, I visualize him enjoying – perhaps for the first time in his life - the refreshing rains and the sweet smell of wet earth. 

Thank you, thank you everyone!

It is my 5^th wedding anniversary today. Whew! Some 5 years it has been!!

At the time we started a new life together, many people – including a bunch of astrologers - predicted that we would not complete 6 months together. This 5^th anniversary is the beginning of God’s answer to all those who tried to play God, to all those who claimed to see what was written in our stars but failed to see the love in our hearts.

When I told Manu that we ought to celebrate, he suggested the usual thing – prepare something special for friends and neighbors or throw a party of all of them. But there was something else on my mind.

I wanted to do something different, something really special. I wanted the two of us to personally visit and thank each and every person who supported us or played a role – big or small – in bringing us together. Well that list isn’t a short one. So I guess we have to spare at least a week to get it done. In the meanwhile, let me put down my gratitude in words.

Now here is a look at some of those wonderful individuals:

Neethu: She’s the one I’m indebted to most since I met Manu through her.

Ansil ikka: Manu first met me through Ansil ikka when the two were at my office. 

Suneer, Rinash and Jasar: Three incredible guys who gave us complete help, support (and transport!) at a crucial time.

Jayan chettan and family: A sweet family and Manu’s relatives that gave us refuge when we needed it most.

Jayaram Sir, Yamuna Chechi, Santosh chettan and all the staff at JR Computers: For arranging a nice wedding ceremony, providing great encouragement and helping us get started off.

Jairaj, Ginto and others: For their invaluable presence and support.

In addition to these individuals, there are also others who have made these 5 years worth remembering. Let me thank them too:

Mummy (Manu’s mom): For welcoming me warmly into the family and being a mother instead of a mother-in-law. She worked non-stop (as always!) during the days I was hospitalized for my deliveries, trying hard to help me recuperate and run the household as well. A gem of a person with not a negative feeling towards anyone. Hard to believe someone can be so kind and forgiving. There’s more I could write about Mummy. But it just dawned on me that it would be better to dedicate an entire post to her instead.

Niyas: For being a true friend to Manu, keeping him away from bad company and for the great help he has provided on several occasions.

Raziya aunty: To put it simply, she is our World Bank! Whenever we hit a financial crisis, we go straight to her. She has always provided us excellent advice on maintaining financial stability.

Liya uncle, Hafeela aunty, Aysha and Ahzan: As Hafeela aunty says, she is Manu’s mother in law now. Actually this is the only family from my past that still maintains contact with me and pays me a visit every now and then. Thanks a lot for simply being there for us!

Harish and Vidhu: For including us in their wonderful trips to Guruvayoor and Kumarakom.

Finally, I would like to thank God Almighty for helping us find one another and for being there with us in all our ups and downs. Thank you God for this beautiful life and for this wonderful life partner. Love you Manu!

Onam's here!!

It was Onam yesterday. 


After the usual sadya, Aman and Ayush had a great time with Kannan and Ambadi at Vijayan aliyan's house.


Here are some snaps of Aman with the new 'Kaduva' masks he bought.

Back to Sri Padmanabha’s land

It was 13^th August 2011. Manu, Aman, Ayush and I were on our way to Pothencode in Thiruvananthapuram to spend a couple of days with Manu’s uncle’s family. The moment we crossed Kollam, memories came flooding into my mind. After all, it had been almost 5 years since I had been to Thiruvananthapuram. Since I had left home in September 2006, I never had a reason to go back there.

The uncle’s house was located in a great place full of banana and rubber plantations. Aman immediately connected with their grandchild Kashinathan whom they call Akku. This sweet little boy was a real chatterbox. His mom is a nurse in the Medical College and his Dad works with Gokulam Chits. The family really pampered us with their care and hospitality.

On the second day of our visit, all of us jammed into our car for a trip down to the Shankhumukham Beach. It was a truly memorable evening. Seemed like the entire people in Thiruvananthapuram were at the beach. The waves were huge and came crashing down, sending fine mists almost up to the road. All of us joined hands and ventured a bit into the water. The kids shrieked with joy each time the waves drenched them. When we had enough of it, Aman spotted the ice-cream wagon.

After a round of Cornettos we all were relaxing on the sand and waiting for our clothes to dry off when a stray dog strolled by and sat by Aman - probably attracted by the chocolatey mess on his face!. Then Akku started pulling his Dad towards the kids’ park. As soon as Aman saw the rides there, he was out of control. He wanted to ride on the train, the car, the plane, the horse and everything else that caught his fancy. We had a tough time controlling the kids. Finally we managed to get them out of the park with promises of ice-creams, chocolates and masala dosa at Akku’s favorite restaurant!

 

Although we adults were tired after all that hungama, the kids were still full of energy. Thankfully Aman and Akku dozed off as soon as we reached home. As I packed our things to leave the next day, both the kids looked upset. Akku came up to me, gave me a tight hug, a small peck on my cheek and enquired if we really had to go. I assured him we would be back after a few days.

It was a nice trip that Aman thoroughly enjoyed. He simply cannot stop talking about Akku to our neighbors. My only regret was that I couldn’t go to the Sri Padmanabha temple and Pazhavangadi temple. It was something I had been planning for a long time. But then there is always a next time…

Ayush – A true gift

Asha wanted to know why I hadn’t posted anything significant about Ayush. She also gave me a dig enquiring if his birth had disappointed me since I had been looking forward to a daughter.

My son is a precious gift from God. So there is no reason to be disappointed about that. In fact, he is extra special to me for another reason. Here’s that untold story…

It was October 2009. Manu and I had been planning for a second baby. From the few subtle symptoms I had been experiencing for some days, I was sure I had conceived. However, I waited till the expected days of periods were well past before breaking the news to Manu. Naturally, he was thrilled.

That evening Manu passed on the good news to his friends while they were in the middle of a party. Around this time, Manu was planning to purchase a new car. His friends too knew about this. When Manu told them that a new baby was on the way, their question was ‘What about the new car?’ Manu replied that the car purchase would now be put on hold since the baby was top priority. But his friends didn’t seem to get the point. They were like ‘How can you say no to a car because of a baby. Why not say no to the baby? You can always have a baby later on. But now is the right time to buy a car.’

 

Though their logic may seem ridiculous, they somehow managed to convince Manu to go forward with the car purchase after having the baby aborted. When Manu informed me about this decision, I was shattered. I did not sleep that night. I didn’t want to let go of my baby at any cost. I kept tossing and turning all night worrying if this would perhaps be the last night for the little one. We were to go to the doctor the next day.

When we arrived at the hospital, the staff informed us that the doctor would be late by 2 hours. I felt it was a God-given chance to try talking to Manu again. But Manu maintained that his friends had a point – desperate situations called for desperate measures.

The doctor arrived. Manu explained matters. She immediately scribbled something on a paper, tore it off and directed me to a room at the far end of the corridor. My fingers wrapped tightly around the piece of paper were trembling as I made my way to the door. I slowly raised my hand to the cold handle of the door and turned back to look at Manu standing a few feet back. Tears were streaming down my face as I told him one last time ‘I don’t want to do this to my baby.’

I seriously don’t know what happened in that instant. Maybe the seriousness of the situation had suddenly dawned on him or perhaps it was the pathetic look on my face, Manu told me the baby didn’t have to go if I wanted it so much. The feeling of sadness that had engulfed me suddenly lifted and I sighed with relief. My baby was gonna live!

For the next 9 months leading up to my delivery, I continued to countdown the days left until I could finally see my little one’s face. Thanks to God’s grace, there was nothing complicated. But little was I to know that another grueling test was just around the corner.

It was the evening of June 30^th 2010. I was in the doctor’s room for my checkup. The baby was due in a week. I informed the doctor about a gripping pain in my legs. She completed the check up and advised me to get admitted right away. The c-section would be performed next morning. I went back home, collected my things and got admitted within a couple of hours.

As the doctor had predicted, the pain worsened at night. It wasn’t contractions. And there was no chance of a normal delivery since the baby’s position wasn’t right. All night I battled the pain. I so badly wanted to see Manu. But he was away on business and would arrive only in the morning. Meanwhile the nurses kept repeating everything was alright and that I would be operated on first as soon as the doc arrived in the morning.

When the pain still hadn’t subsided by early morning, the doctor informed the head nurse to keep monitoring the baby’s movements. It was then I started fearing something was not right. I forgot my pain and began praying for my baby. My Caesarean was scheduled for 11.30 am. But the doc arrived early and started operating at around 8.30 am. Soon they lifted out the little one. But he looked as if he was covered in mud. And he wasn’t crying.

The doctor gave him a small smack on his bottom. Still no cries. Another smack followed – a sharper one. This time he suddenly jerked and out flowed some kind of dark, thick liquid from his nose and mouth. Then came the sound we all had been waiting for – a loud wail.

The doctor then handed him over to the nurses. As the two nurses cleaned him, the doc noticed that the baby was again silent. ‘Why isn’t the baby crying? Let me hear him crying.’ The doc told the nurses. One of the nurses quickly inserted a thin tube into his nose and pulled out more of that liquid. Now that the obstruction was almost gone, Ayush cried out loud and clear, much to the relief of everyone present.

The nurse wrapped him up in a blanket and brought him to me. I gently kissed him on the cheek and watched as the nurse carried him away to the pediatrician. In a few minutes, I was transferred to my room. I eagerly looked around for the baby. ‘He will be here soon.’ Manu assured me. I kept praying that nothing bad turn up in his check up. Thankfully, he was alright. He had swallowed some fluid while in the womb. Now he was okay and breathing well.

When the nurse finally laid him gently beside him, I looked at him for the longest time. Everything that happened in the past 10 months – from the time of conception to the delivery- passed through my mind in fast-forward mode. I closed my eyes and offered my thanks to God for the wonderful gift that lay peacefully sleeping, blissfully unaware of the worries he had already caused me!

Today, Ayush is an extremely naughty one-year old always looking for new ways to pick up fights with his brother. Ayush really is our sunshine, a true gift.

Ayush in a bucket!!

Even at the height of monsoons when everyone is really feeling the cold and longing to curl up after winding up the day's work, Ayush is always sweaty and ready for a refreshing bath in cold water. Unlike other kids of his age, Ayush loves bath time. In fact, he is extremely upset and starts protesting when I pick up up from the water to dry him off.

Today was an exceptionally cold day. But take a look at these snaps to see Ayush happily making a splash in a bucketful of water.